Gues whos back, back again....
Wow. I haven't posted in like over a year. I still read blogs, I just don't post my on my own.Or comment on anyone else's for that matter. I still go To
Katohater's and
64 tacos, but never comment. It makes me feel like I am a stalker.
My wife's appendix burst over the 4th. She spent the week in the hospital and was released the day we were going to see TOOL. Yup, didn't make it to that one. Oh well, I am kind of sick of TOOL anyway. Their shit is all starting to sound the same.
Well, after a year+ hiatus from the blogging world, my fingers are tired.
I will be back again.
Hey! Long time no see!
Well, well, well. It has been almost a 4 month hiatus from my last blog. So without further ado....
First and foremost my wife and I had another child. Layn James was born on Saturday, May 13. He was 6lb 12oz and 19 inches long. My wife is doing great, and the children, except Dude, are seemingly happy.
Other than that, not much going on here. Just workin at the beef shack, raisin kids at the love shack, and drinkin beer at the Umlor Pub. Tonight the Pistons are on, and I intend on drinking alot of beer while I watch them. you could say that me drinking beer is the Pistons good luck charm. When I am half drunk and start watching, they win. When I am sober and start drinking at game time, they lose. And tonight, they need a win! So I will do my part and get drunk. I am takin it for the team!
When Chuck Norris attacks!
More on the infinite power of Chuck:
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.
In the movie “Back to the Future” they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.
Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris puts the m's on M&Ms.
Chuck Norris was a hidden playable character on Mortal Kombat 2 on the Sega Genesis.
Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is the 8th wonder of the natural world
Chuck Norris goes to the toilet once a month, if he needs to or not.
Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.
There are in fact 31 letters of the English Alphabet however only Chuck Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.
Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the Power Rangers just to say hi.
Chuck Norris has no concept of time, if you go to his house you won't find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it's getting late he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.
Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a Total Gym
In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight co-host Mary Hart that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in "Total Recall".
Chuck Norris once did a back flip off the Great Wall of China.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
Chuck Norris caught all 386 pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He says he won't trade any of them for anything.
In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the paralympics.
Chuck Norris will never fully be male nor female. Doctors once asked him which he preferred. He gave them an ad for a Total Gym.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
If you look in a mirror and say "Chuck Norris" three times, he will appear and kill your entire family... but at least you get to see Chuck Norris.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
Chuck Norris was the original Danny Tanner on the hit family sitcom, "Full House". He was replaced by Bob Saget after an unfortunate incident with one of the Olsen triplets.
When Chuck Norris was driving he saw a sign that said, "Caution: Small Children Playing." So he slowed down, but then it occurred to him: Chuck Norris isn't afraid of small children.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas
A Chevy truck was totalled in a car accident. It hit black ice, then hit Chuck Norris. You tell me what did the damage.
Everytime Chuck Norris hears the term ‘Virgin’ Mary he laughs out loud…
It used to be called the Tower of Pisa…until Chuck Norris decided to roundhouse kick the shit out of it
Chuck Norris kills 14 white people at the end of every week just to prove he isn’t racist.
Chuck Norris freakin' rules!
I haven't been bloggin much as of late. (As you little few can see). I never knew how time consuming two kids could be. Anyway,I found this the other day on the web. If you thought you were a badass, or knew a badass,if you don't know Chuck, you don't know a badass.
All hail Chuck!Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
On the 7th day, God rested…. Chuck Norris took over.
When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
When you're the best, around!
I was lucky enough to catch Karate Kid not once, but twice last week!!
When I was like 11, I thought I learned karate by watching this movie. And I was right.
"How much is this thing anyway?"
This week so far at work has been stupid question week. I know the old adage blah blah blah, but who ever came up with that adage obviously did not work in the fast food industry. Here's just a sample;(these were actual questions)
1."What's this ice for?"
My reply: We put ice in cups to help keep drinks cold. Try it some time!
2.(Asked while I was wearing oven mitts)"Is that pan hot?"
Reply: No, this pan causes cancer and these gloves help protect me.
3.When I asked someone to take out the trash; "All of it?"
Reply: No just about 2/3. We'll let god worry about the rest.
Now, these questions and answers may sound contrived, but I assure you that they are all legit. These are not stoner dumb people(like in the pizza biz), but just generally dumb.
I gotta admit that I do have fun with these people. There really is nothing more exhilirating than pointing out the shortcomings of others. By the way, you're not allowed to rent here anymore.
And then there were five
Just recieved word that there will be yet another addition to the Umlor family. The Bacon Martyr revealed to me that she is with child. I will finally have enough people in my family to have a starting five for basketball. I have a 6 year old girl, Baillie,
and a nine month old son we call the Dude. If any of you are thinking about having children, let
this tool help disuade you. If you want kids, come babysit mine for a day.
I got me the Kung Fu Hustle
I watched all three of the movies I rented yesterday. And no, I did not watch Way of the Gun, Jew. I don't watch it on purpose. I like hearing your nasal whine about me not watching it. It makes me smile.
So, Be Cool. I really didn't think this movie even came close to the first, Get Shorty. I mean, The cast was great, but the plot and execution just wasn't there. It was like a not as cool version of Get Shorty. The best characters in the movie were Vince Vaughn's The Rocks, and Andre 3000. Vince Vaughn trying to be black was awesome. I love watching him in movies that he is a complete dick.
Robots. Good movie to watch with the kids.Robin Williams coked up shtick is getting pretty old, especially now that he does it while he is not coked up. Cool visuals, good message, all around good family movie.
Now on to Kung Fu Hustle. I personally thought this movies was the shit. You got subtitles, but the humor and action was there. I would definitely recommend this to any old school kung fu or John Woo fan. I was surprised to find that even my wife liked it, the humor kept her involved. However, the action is not to be scoffed at. These guys take "bullet" time to a different level, and it kicked ass.
By the way, I bitched about Blockbuster yesterday in my post, that karma came around and bit me in the ass by making Be Cool about a third unwatchable. My name is still not Earl
